I am Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.
I concern myself with matters of import. Like, why are treats rationed? It's not as though they're endangered species. And what's with the unruliness of floors? Our imperial butts cannot possibly be expected to sit on that frigid, rigid surface. As always, the proper order of things is for us to be yielded to. And then there are those doggy pet products -- do not get me started! Having nothing smart to wear is a pet peeve of mine bordering on obsession. Suffice it to say, we regal Bitches can not, and will not, tolerate the ordinary.
And then there's my brother Winslow. I think there's something wrong with him. Take for instance when we go on walks. I am, of course, busily proclaiming to all that I Am Bitch, Hear Me Bark. But, instead of peeing every five feet, Winslow is off searching for clues! He's lost in the ozone, when could be staking his claim in the pee-zone. Probably it's just as well. It's one less time he pees on his foot.
This brings me to my latest paw-nderings. Winslow is a dog and a cream. And a goofball (by bitchly standards.) I'm wondering which of the first two accounts for the third. Is it dog or is it cream?
Consider the following. Sudeeky, like Winslow, is a dog and cream. He's off in La-La land searching for genetic mutations or whatever. Sudeeky is Winslow's hero. Winslow employs the scientific method in criminal investigation. (He also look suspiciously like Mr. Peabody.) He's constantly yammering about how the primary task is to search for clues, then collect evidence, and scientific analysis will then lead to a solution. So he often finds things that were lost -- so what? If he's so smart, why does he chase his tail in that exasperating "neuron-fire-fidget" thing?
And he's always getting into something. He shreds plastic bags, bites erasers off pencils, shakes around underwear, chases his tail. I say why go to so much trouble? One good pee in the middle of the living room floor has far bigger impact. Then you can spend the rest of the of the time reclining on the couch. Work less, make more noise -- efficiency being the bitch creed.
Is it dog or is it cream?
The best way to get fed treats is not Winslow's ill-conceived method of sticking his nose into people's food. So he often gets some. Big deal. Every bitch knows that all you have to do to get what you want is to look "gooder" than is humanly possible. It works every time.
Does he have to go on and on kissing people like that? He should know it shows weakness. The proper Bitch way is to kiss once, then turn your face away with a proper upturned nose. This air of indifference inspires deference. But instead, silly Winslow kisses and kisses and kisses. What a brown-noser. Actually, he does get away with murder, so maybe he has a point. Naw....
While we're on the subject, here's one I've always wondered about: why in the world does he sleep on his back with his legs up in the air as if everyone wants nothing more than to gaze at his so-called jewels? I know jewels. These are not jewels!
Is it dog or is it cream?
If I had to get stuck with a brother, would it be better if he weren't a cream? Would he know how to slyly steal another dog's treat if he were, say, a black grizzle like me? Or is a dog a dog is a dog?
If I had a cream sister, would she be like this
Is it Cream..continued from Page 16....
dogginess is in fact the culprit, then this asks the question: why can't a dog be more like a Bitch?
To all my worldly Bitch sisters, I invite you to send me your tales. Tell me of your woeful experiences with brothers, cream or otherwise. We will then settle conclusively if it's dog or if it's cream!
Of course, the bottom line is that we Bitches wear the real jewels. And when we get tired of dopey dogs of all colors, we just beat the crap out of them. Just ask Winslow. ©
Ed. Note: The Editor must explain that Sudeeky isn't off in La-La land chasing genetic mutations! He's off in La-La land searching for Truth! (Which may, or may not, be the same thing!)
And, like Winslow, his methods may be eccentric, but his
results are not!)
c1996 Innovative Internet
Updated: January 13, 1997